So the road ahead of me is full of endless possibilities. I am learning to take care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally and it has left me to think about what may be next for me. Don't get me wrong, my life is so blessed and I feel such a tremendous amount of joy when I look at the smiles on my children's faces, they are the most amazing people I have ever met, and by the grace of God I had a hand in that. But as I pray, I feel there is something more out there for me, something God is calling me to do. So I am going to share something very personal that I have not been ready to share for a very long time as it was something that I struggled with and was so very ashamed of.
As many of you may or may not know, I am a practicing catholic and I believe everything that the church teaches. Now this does not mean that throughout my entire adult life that this was the case. I will be the first to admit for a large part of my adult life I paid little regard to what the church teaches or concerned myself with doing God's will. I made most of my decisions solely based on what I wanted and what I felt was good for me, didn't really care if God liked it or not. I am not proud of this, let me be clear, but it is true, and I feel I can't write this from my heart if I do not give all truths. There was a point in my life when I was young, 23 yrs old to be exact, that I had become pregnant. I was scared, for many reasons that I will not go into at the point. But I let the fear I had lead to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I decided it was okay for me to take the life of another human being, that was my baby because I was afraid of what it would do to my life if I didn't. People tell you, it's no big deal, it's not even a baby yet, etc. Well people who say that are foolish, life begins at conception and I was too young and naive to realize that. Let me also say this, that it doesn't end when the awful procedure is over, in my opinion the pain is just beginning when you walk out of that clinic. It's too late, you can't take it back and you try very hard to just go on with your life like nothing ever happened. But 8-9 months later you catch yourself wondering, was it a girl or a boy? Would they baby have had my eyes? I wonder if it would have had it dad's smile? A year later you are thinking, my baby would have been walking by now, the next year you think, oh, the terrible twos...how much I miss those, a few years later you think, my baby wouldn't have been a baby anymore and would have been starting kindergarten this year. This continues throughout your entire lifetime. I would have had another teenager in my home right now-would he/she have looked like me, would they have had my personality, their dad's eyes?? Questions that will never be answered because I thought it was no big deal at the time. The one thing I find peace in is knowing that my child had the privilege to bask is the glory of God and that my child is in heaven for eternity with Jesus. What a tremendous gift that is, though I wish I could have taken that day back over and over again. I will say that the last few years have been a tremendous time for healing for me. I was finally able to find the courage in confession to share this with my priest and receive absolution for this, which was such a tremendous feeling of relief. I have drawn closer to Christ and really tried to forgive myself for the choice that I made, it is difficult but each day gets a little easier. I also plan on attending a retreat in November called Rachel's Vineyard that I hope will bring me the closure I need to heal this wound that is embedded so deeply within my soul.
I tell this story because as I mentioned in the beginning, I believe God had bigger plans for me, that he knows that there is something inside of me destined for greatness. I feel as though the calling is for me to return to school and to pursue a degree in Psychology. I would like to be come a Licensed Counselor so that I can help girls/women like myself who have struggled so long with the pain of terminating a pregnancy. I have contacted some schools, and am seriously looking into starting this journey in January. What I ask of you, friends, is that you pray for me and for my family as I know this will not be easy, but that that with God all things are possible.
God Blessings to you all.
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