My blog yesterday was a little intense and I know that for some people it was shocking and it was hurtful. I want to take today to apologize to the people that it may have hurt. These are people that I have known for many, many years, that are my family and that I truly love with all of my heart. Please know in posting that it was not to hurt you, and to be honest once I started posting, all of these feelings and thoughts just came out and it was like a rush of emotion being bottled up for the last 15 years released. It was freeing for me, though maybe I could have handled it better.
The thing is that over the last year or so there have been many changes in my family. Our family dynamic changed drastically and the people that I love so deeply and have been a part of my life for basically my entire adult life, well their roles in my life is changed now, and this is all new to me. Sometimes I don't know what the right thing to say is anymore, what is okay to say, when is it going to far, because you are not just my family and I don't ever want anyone to feel like they have to choose sides. Marriages are hard, anyone who says they aren't and that they are always full of joy and love and laughter is not being honest. When the fall apart and they crumble to the ground the damage is not only done to the 2 people who are a couple, but the families that loved them both so much and really wanted to see them go the distance. I don't think, or at least I hope, that no one gets married with the feeling that, "Hey I am going to give this a shot, but if it doesn't work out, I always have an out, I can get a divorce" I know I didn't, even though I was very young when I got married, I thought, "Yep, this is him, this is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with", and the truth is I felt that in my heart from the depths of my soul, but you know sometimes even the best of intentions are not enough to survive the storms that pass through our lives. Sometimes there is just so much hurt that you can't recover together, if the desire is not there for both people, it just isn't possible to recover together and come out stronger. And even when you know that your marriage is over and you can't go back and that being together is not the best thing for you, you need to let go, it doesn't make it easier. Every day is like a roller coaster. One day you are completely at peace, and the next day something triggers a memory of the life you shared and you can't stop crying and you can't get the image out of your mind. So even though you know in your head the decision you are making is the best for you and your family, your heart may not always agree. I also do not believe it is ever God's will for a couple that has been married in the Church to separate. We may trick ourselves into thinking this, but listen when a priest or pastor says, "What God has joined together let no man put asunder" that is powerful stuff. That is God saying I have joined you 2 for life. The problem is Satan creeps into our lives and we have free will, so instead of putting our faith in God, we succumb to the temptations brought into our lives by Satan, and before you know it we are fighting and we don't know if we still love each other. There in lies our "easy out" of divorce. Even today, I think ....what if God worked some amazing miracle in my heart and in the heart of the person I love, and yes I say love, because it would be a complete lie if I said to you after spending 19 years with someone I stopped loving him in the last 9 months, would I welcome the gift to save my marriage. The answer, if I have to be honest, is yes. Even after all of the pain and hurt that I have felt, to live my life in a fruitful marriage that God desires is my ultimate goal. I understand that at this point, that is probably not going to happen, so I have to continue to move on.
One of the hard things for me is that I had a family associated with my marriage, and awesome family who I love very much. One of the most difficult parts of ending a marriage is that you not only feel like you are losing a husband but you are losing a mother, a father, a grandmother, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews. We all say things aren't going to change, we will always love each other, but as the days pass and the time grows further from the last time we saw each other, little by little things change. You feel like as much as you don't want it to happen, you are losing these people that have meant so much to you little by little. The thought of being replaced is sometimes very painful. Though it has never been said, as it doesn't have to be, the truth is your place in that family, at family Christmas', at birthday parties, at Thanksgiving, at Easter....every important event is now being attended by someone else. It is the way life evolves and we can not control it, all that we can do is ask for God's grace to handle it in the best way that we possibly can. I will miss all the holidays that brought so much joy into my life, but I do have the memories that I will hold in my heart forever. These are people that loved me for me, in spite of my faults or my quirks. I will forever be grateful that God brought them into my life and that I had the opportunity to be a part of their lives for such a long time. They have given me great joy, and loved me, and strengthened me, without even knowing it. I only wish I had been given the opportunity to tell them just how much they mean to me and how much I will miss having them in my life on a regular basis.
This brings me to the post yesterday, as I said, I realized after the fact, which obviously does not relieve their shock, or the pain that they feel, or the betrayal that I didn't share this with them, and they had to read about the event online, that I should have shared the information with them. But I don't know how to explain to anyone the difficulty it is to admit to someone out loud,to their face the shameful act. I feel like a hypocrite so often because I truly believe in my hear that what I did was wrong. Here is the problem, I am prideful. We all are, we do not like to admit when we do things that are wrong, and to have to admit them out loud to people that we love is even more difficult because though we may know in our hearts that they will still love us, we don't want them to think less of us or judge us for decisions that we made in haste. So to the people that I hurt in the process of my post yesterday, I want you to know, from the depths of my heart I am truly sorry for hurting you and not having the courage to call you and say to you, this is what I did and this is why for the last 15 years I have not been the person you new when you first met me. This broke my spirit and I chose to bury it and live in a world of sadness. I should have shared it with you, been strong enough so that instead of dealing with it on my own, you coud have tried to help me heal. I know it does not change the way you feel now, but I do hope and pray that in time, with prayer and by the grace of God you will come to understand what I was feeling and be able to find the strength the grace to forgive me.
God's blessings and love be with you today and always.
yes, I was shocked and felt we could have been informed differently, if not by you as I understand how difficult this would have been for you, but you could have informed the other party involved and he could have told us. That would have only been fair, but whats done is done and now we just move on. Your response was written beautifully and I want you to know that you will never be forgotten or replaced in my heart. You will always be a daughter to me and I still love you.
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