Well today is March 2, 2011. I haven't posted in a very long time. Life has been continuing to change and challenge me and there have been bumps along the way, but I am learning day by day to take them as the come and to grown and learn from everything that comes my way.
My divorce was final on February 18, 2011. It has been a long road filled with a gamut of emotions. One day I am mad, one day I am sad, but in the end I know that where I am at now is exactly where I am supposed to be. I can't change what has happened in the past, I can learn from the mistakes that were made in my marriage and move forward. The week before the hearing was full of anxiety and anticipation. If you have never had to be a part of a court hearing, especially a divorce hearing, it is an especially uncomfortable thing. The week leading up to it was stressful, I think mainly because of the unknown. Knowing that I was going to be required to testify, not knowing what questions I would be asked, and just not knowing the outcome. I found myself praying almost constantly that God would just give me the strength and the grace to get through that day, that I knew once it was over I would feel a great sense of relief. The day came, I took the stand, and I answered a lot of questions that were very uncomfortable, and I did the best I could. The most difficult part was being cross-examined, as they job of the opposing attorney is to make me look bad, and as I answered the questions he asked me, I kept telling myself, "this is his job, he is fighting for what someone Else's wants, so stay calm, and you can do this" Once it was over with and we sat in front of the judge listening to everything he had decided for the termination of our marriage, I just couldn't help but think, after 19 years with someone, how sad is it that this is what it has come to, you have such a poor way of communicating that you have to let someone else decide what is best for your family. I will say though, that as I walked out of the courtroom as Julie Anne Garcia I felt that this tremendous weight had been lifted from me. I honestly felt for the first time in longer than I can remember like I could move on. That I was not this helpless, and worthless women that I had felt like for so long. That I had the power to move on from this and come out of it stronger.
So today I am looking at my life and thinking, "Wow, I am so blessed" I have 3 amazing kids. Christopher, my only son, and my oldest child, is amazing, I watch the man he is becoming and everyday I thank God that he is who he is. He is much like me in his temperament, he is very quiet for the most part, non-confrontational, but so funny. He can always make me laugh, even when I am in the worst mood. I see him growing into a young man, and all I can think is, "Wow, I can remember when he was born, I truly never knew you could love someone so much" until I held him in my arms. Then there is Alyssa, she is beautiful and so not like me. She is not afraid to say what is on her mind and in her heart. I have seen such a strength and conviction in her in the last year, that words truly cannot explain my pride. She is a young woman who is not willing to compromise her beliefs and her moral conviction just to make someone else happy. I look at her and sometimes wish I had her courage. I hope that she truly knows how proud I am of the strength she has shown. Gabrielle Anne, my "baby girl" has had to grow up and deal with things that I wish she didn't have to deal with. She has a beautiful heart and just loves everyone. She is a tender soul, and never wants to hurt any one's feelings. She still likes to snuggle with me, and I have to cherish those moments because before I know it she will be a teenager and I won't be her first choice to hang out with.
I guess in my rambling the point I am trying to make is that though a chapter of my life has ended, a new one is beginning, and though that last chapter was painful and difficult at times, it also brought me great joy many other times and I have vowed to look back on the last chapter and try to focus only on the things that were joyful . Dwelling on everything that caused me pain, will not help me to move forward, it will only prevent it. So I thank God for all of the lessons I have learned, all the gifts I have been given, and am looking ahead with anticipation and excitement to see what comes next.
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