It's been awhile...

since I posted last, not because I haven't wanted to, just because life is busy and I feel some days like I am being pulled in 100 different directions.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life and feel so blessed by what I am fortunate enough to have in my life, just wish sometimes we could slow down and take a breath! 

So for many of you that know me...my weight has been a struggle for me for most of my adult life.  I have been up and down and up and down, and I have determined in the last 10 months or so that this was not so much from a lack of discipline as it was a lack of self esteem and self worth.  I think there were so many things over the course of my adult life that made me doubt my self worth that it constantly hindered my pursuit of being healthy and being strong, not only physically but also emotionally.  It is amazing how you can lose who you are over time, swallowed up in sadness and just one day you look in the mirror and you don't even recognize yourself anymore.  You don't smile, you feel unloved, and you think well if they don't care about me why bother taking care of myself.  This is destructive and takes time to rebuild, but is so necessary to succeed on this journey. Things happen in life that force you to really look at yourself, and in the last year I have determined this, no one can make me feel good about myself but me.  I needed to learn to love myself again, and forgive myself for not being able to survive my marriage and pull it all together, this is not something I could do on my own, I had forgive myself for the selfish mistakes I had made, and I had to resign myself to the fact that I could not change my past, but that I need to focus on making my future and the future of my family much better.   That is is my job to take care of myself and in doing that I am taking care of everyone that I love as well.  I am a mother, I need to show my children the importance of good physical, emotional, and spiritual health.  It is my job and there is no excuse for failing.  So on this journey of self worth I have determined in order to get my health back I had to get my mind right.  It is an everyday process. 

So as the year began I started to really focus on daily prayer, working out on a daily basis, even when I didn't feel like it and really cleaning up my eating.  This is not to say I never have foods I love, because I totally do.  Depriving yourself of the things you love, will only set you up to fail.  I resigned myself to the fact that I need to work out and eat clean 6-days a week-NO EXCUSES!  The funny thing was, once I had found a peace in where I was in my personal life, everything else just seemed to fall into place. As I began to work out, I got stronger and the weight began to come off.  I started the year wanting to lose 80lbs-and it seemed so insurmountable...but now I am half way there and the last 40-well I know they will come because I am exactly where I need to be in every aspect of my life. The only thing i need to work on now-EARLY MORNING RISING TO GET MY WORKOUTS IN AT 5AM!   Wish me luck!!